It may be this time of year when all of our fears and worries step forward in to the light and confuse us. Or maybe I’m just an unfortunate exception, standing in that light, realizing the one thing we all crave so much has slipped through my fingers. I have forgotten how to be happy and how to find this happiness, that will make my life more than just an existence.
I’m not passionate about anything anymore. With a straight face I go on with my day hoping it will pass quickly, because another may be different. But it never is. I’m soaked in dead and grey. Seeing the same old depressing outcome of my actions. I rarely relish even the smallest of things; music, which used to bring me immense amount of thrill. Gaming, which once was my anchor on stormy tides. And there is so much more I wish to revel in; but all of these inconsequential things are being devoured by a void inside my heart. Forced into being something that they are not. Nothing seems to be enough. Do I crave too much of life? Can’t I be spared a little passion and a little meaning? I wish it was just a phase or thoughts passing through, but it weighs heavily on my chest. I feel the dearth of meaning in my life and it makes me sad to live just for the sake of living.
I look at other people and what they have accomplished through their hard work and I’m jealous, because I will never be as determined to finish what I have started nor enjoy the process. I’d like to blame it on the balance of this world, but deep down I know I’m the problem.
And if I could wish upon a star, I’d like a spark in me to find what I’m meant to do and for enough fight to make it happen.